


we never have to say goodbye

by Nazezdha321



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:07:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25703326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nazezdha321/pseuds/Nazezdha321
Summary: In which Phil pulled Melinda out of that cubicle for the events of The Avengers. And she died instead of him. A role reversal AU.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, Phil Coulson & Melinda May, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 39
Kudos: 74
Collections: AOS AU August 2020





	we never have to say goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Day 3!!
> 
> Hahahahahaha I'm so sorry.

“It’s not right, Phil. She’s not ready,” Maria hissed as Phil walked with her to one of the many administrative offices. Or rather, Maria tried to stop Phil while he was walking. “You can’t force this on her. She transferred for a reason, and you need to respect that.” 

“She’s had time.” 

“She’s had four years during which she’s gotten divorced, transferred from the field, and refused to go out of her apartment for anything other than her job! She won’t respond to any of our calls, you had to knock the door down to her place just to get her to speak one word to you, and Andrew says she’s isolating herself from everyone, including her mother. If she isn’t ready by now, - ” 

“Then it’s all the more reason to bring her in,” Phil argued, stepping into the elevator. 

_ You’re worried that I don’t understand your choice.  _

Maria sighed, stopping just outside the doors. “It’s not fair to her, Phil. She’s made her decision and you need to respect it.” 

_ Well, sometimes that’s the price of doing the right thing.  _

“Nothing’s ever fair,” he replied. The elevator doors slid shut, and Maria stood and watched, feeling the vibrations in the floor as it began to travel down. The world moved around her, but she stood still, wondering how she was going to explain this to Fury. 

_ No one will understand, and it hurts like hell.  _

\---

Melinda May sat in her cubicle, listening to the footsteps approaching her desk. She knew those footsteps. Quick, determined, but still gentle, soft on the carpeted floors. Those footsteps belonged anywhere but here.

“Melinda.” 

She said nothing, didn’t even stop with her work, even though a part of her ached to. How long had it been since she had heard his voice? He’d stopped coming by her house when she moved out, and he hadn’t made a surprise visit at her apartment in more than two years. No calls, no texts, no letters begging for her to come back, to see someone, anyone, to  _ talk to him.  _ Melinda thought Phil had given up on her. She was grateful.

“Melinda, I need you to come in.” 

A few of her co-workers peered at them over their cubicles. Melinda could feel their eyes on them as she lowered her stapler. Phil was pretty famous within SHIELD - among the top of his class, Fury’s favorite, handler of both Barton and Romanoff, two of the best agents in a long, long time. She imagined the questioning glances between them, all gesturing at her. They hadn’t been particularly interested in her from the start, but it looked like that was about to change. Normal admin don’t get visits from SHIELD’s best. 

“Barton’s been compromised.” 

Clint, compromised? How’d they do that? No, it wasn’t her problem. Melinda forced her curiosity down as she finally turned to stare at her former best friend. Her former partner. He was angry - probably not at her - and worried - for Barton, and Romanoff, given their relationship - and maybe desperate. Not a good combination, especially not for making him leave her alone. Leave her to this blank job, this blank life, where there was no one reaching for her hand, no one who she needed to love, where there was no love, and no pain. 

“I’m sorry, Phil.” 

And she  _ was  _ sorry. She was so sorry. She was sorry that after four years, she wasn’t better, she was sorry that after all this time, a part of her was still missing. She was sorry that she wasn’t fit to be an agent, much less a field agent, much less his partner. She was sorry that she couldn’t ever be the old Melinda. She was sorry that Barton was compromised and she couldn’t help. She was sorry that Phil would have to do this alone, like he had been now for four years, and she was sorry that she would only ever cause him more pain, like a bullet to the heart. She was sorry she knew what that felt like. She was sorry that she had ever held a gun in her hand. She was sorry that she had held  _ that  _ gun. She was sorry that she had fired it. She was so, so sorry. And she was so, so tired. 

“Don’t be. Come with me,” Phil said, as if it were that simple. 

“I can’t.” 

“You can’t, or you won’t?” .    
  


“No.”    
  


“Melinda.” 

“Phil.” 

“Please. I need you by my side.” 

“You don’t need me. You never have.” 

“We’re facing something else here, Mel. Aliens. And you’re the only person I can count on, regardless of whether or not you think so. Either you come with me now, or I get Fury to order you to.” 

“He won’t.” 

“No, but you’ll come anyway.” 

He was right. And damn him for it. 

“One condition.” 

“Anything.” 

“Once this is over,” Melinda said, “you leave me here. You let me go.” 

_ Let the girl go, Melinda.  _

Phil stared at her. She looked back at him, looked at the shadows beneath his eyes, looked at the expression that she knew meant he was serious about this, looked at every angle of his face in the low lighting. She knew his face like she knew her own. 

_ Let the girl go.  _

“Deal.” 

\---

“Agent May,” Fury said,acknowledging her from the platform from which he commanded the helicarrier. She was silent, but nodded at him. Their tacit agreement hung unspoken between them; she wasn’t here to help Fury or these Avengers, she was only here to make sure Phil didn’t get himself killed. Once this op was over, she’d go back to the shadows and the mindless work and the quiet. She’d go back to the lonely days and the sleepless nights where her only companion was the constant reminder of what she had done, what she had become. It wasn’t a happy ending, but only fairytales ended that way. She was content with hers. 

“May, I need you here on the helicarrier, Coulson, you get Romanoff on the phone and send her to get the Big Guy, then get Stark,” Maria ordered. They both nodded, and Coulson walked off to call Natasha. “May, I want you to start on potential locations for Loki, Barton, and Selvig.” 

May heard the whispers that followed her -  _ “Coulson pulled her out of administration” “Of course he did, idiot! That’s Melinda May!” “Melinda - you don’t mean - ” “The Cavalry!”  _ \- and there it was. 

The Cavalry. 

She killed a hundred men on horseback, or twenty trained assassins with her bare hands, or blew up an entire building. She neutralized an enemy threat - no, she didn’t just neutralize it, she sent it to the grave - she sent it a hell of a lot more than six feet under! She got out an entire team of SHIELD agents, no, two teams, no, Director Fury himself. She did it with a smile on her face - just a hole through the leg - no injuries and a grin to show for it - she did it all with a broken leg! Can you imagine how much pain she must have been in - of course not, she didn’t feel any pain! 

_ Give me your pain.  _

She was a legend. She was more than that. She was a hero _.  _

_ I like the pain.  _

Those agents didn’t know what they were talking about. They didn’t know what had happened. They didn’t know who they idolized. If they did, maybe they’d talk about her with more fear than awe, like she deserved. Like all monsters deserve. 

_ I’m scared.  _

Melinda had been scared, too. 

\---

“May, Romanoff and Banner have arrived. If you wouldn’t mind greeting them…?” Maria asked, gesturing to the Quinjet flying over to the still-floating helicarrier across the water. Melinda nodded. There was an implied question within Maria’s stated one, as usual -  _ are you okay with seeing Natasha right now? -  _ to which Melinda felt her nod covered. Natasha had been one of her closest friends, once upon a time, and even now, Melinda felt a rush of affection for her. Nat was one of the only people in the world who understood Melinda’s situation. And she was one of the only people who didn’t pester her or beg her or cry for her. 

“May,” Nat greeted her with a surprised expression. “I didn’t know you…” 

“Coulson,” Melinda replied. 

Natasha sighed. “Of course.”

“Bruce Banner,” said the man to her left, holding out his hand for a handshake. Melinda ignored it, and he awkwardly put his hand down. She didn’t do handshakes. 

Not anymore. 

“This is Melinda May. She’s one of SHIELD’s best agents. Is Coulson back yet?” Natasha asked.

Melinda gestured to the Quinjet that flew towards them across the sea, its jets spraying the salty water with a few droplets landing in Melinda’s hair. “Rogers is on board.” 

Nat glanced at her, almost smiling. “You sure Coulson’s heart is still beating?” 

Melinda didn’t grin at her, but maybe Natasha picked up on the little spark of amusement behind her eyes. The spark of the old Melinda. The spark that Coulson had been looking for, waiting for, all this time. 

It was gone the second it appeared. 

“Hill wants us to meet with them, and to tell Coulson that they need him on the bridge,” Melinda explained. 

“Rogers? Uh… Steve Rogers?” Bruce interrupted. Neither of them replied as they began to walk to the other side of the helicarrier. “Wait! You didn’t say anything about - ” 

“What Agent Romanoff told you about the mission is what you need to know about the mission,” Melinda replied with disdain. Bruce looked taken aback by her bluntness. She didn’t care. This was SHIELD, and whether or not he had a choice in coming here, he knew what he was getting into when he did. She wished he hadn’t. She didn’t need monsters around her. She had enough to deal with. 

They walked in silence to the other side, where the Quinjet was just landing. As soon as the ramp opened and Phil and Steve stepped off, Melinda was on edge. Half of the flight crew was staring at her, and it didn’t escape Captain America’s notice. 

“Agent May, Agent Romanoff,” Coulson greeted them. “Captain Rogers.” 

He looked absolutely giddy at being able to introduce them to  _ the  _ Captain Rogers. 

“Ma’am,” Steve said, though Melinda wasn’t sure whether he was referring to her or Natasha. 

“Hi,” Nat replied, then turned to Phil. “They need you on the bridge.” 

“See you there,” Phil told her, and with a quick glance at Melinda, he left. 

“There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice,” Natasha told him. “Thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet?” 

“Trading cards?” Steve asked. Melinda nodded. 

“They’re vintage. He’s very proud,” Nat interpreted. Melinda bit her lip to keep from smiling at that. 

They walked to where Bruce Banner was standing, watching him as he checked out one of their various planes. Melinda often forgot how cutting edge Quinjet technology was as she stared at it. It would’ve been an easy plane to pilot, compared to the heavily-armored planes she was used to, but that didn’t mean there weren’t trade-offs. 

“Dr. Banner,” Steve greeted him. 

“Oh, yeah, hi,” Bruce said, holding out his hand. This time, Steve shook it. “They told me you’d be coming.” He glanced at Natasha, who offered a wry smile, and Melinda, who stared back at him with hard, battle-torn eyes. 

“Word is you can find the cube,” Steve said. 

“Is that the only word on me?” Bruce asked, glancing at the people around him. 

“Only word I care about,” Steve assured him, which both Melinda and Natasha could tell was a lie, but Bruce didn’t seem to be able to as he nodded.

“Must be… strange for you… all this.” 

“Well, this is actually kind of familiar.” 

The war planes, the soldiers in training, the flight crew. Steve was older than most of SHIELD’s battles but Melinda figured the heart of war stayed the same. 

“Gentlemen,” Natasha interrupted, “you might want to step inside a minute. It’s gonna get a little hard to breathe.” 

As if on cue, the helicarrier began to shift beneath them. Instead of going inside, the two men stepped closer to the edge. Natasha and Melinda glanced at each other. 

“Is this a submarine?” Steve asked in shock. 

“Really? They want  _ me  _ in a submerged, pressurized, metal container?” 

Melinda watched as the turbines began to rise above the ocean. 

“Oh no, this is much worse!” Bruce said in mock cheerfulness. 

_ You have no idea how much worse it can get.  _

_ \--- _

As soon as she and Romanoff entered command with Banner and Rogers -  _ Captain America was on a SHIELD helicarrier!  _ \- Maria waved them over. Phil stood next to her as she began handing out orders.

“May, they need assistance on deck with one of the planes,” she said. Melinda nodded and exited the way she had come, but it didn’t escape Phil when the agents’ eyes followed her, and rumors and whispers with them. The others must have seen it too, but no one said a thing to them, so Phil figured it wasn’t his place. 

“Who is she?” Rogers murmured to him. 

“One of our best agents,” Phil replied confidently, even though his heart was still hammering from Captain America speaking to him. He hoped that Natasha and Melinda hadn’t told him about the trading cards yet. Or Phil’s… slight infatuation with Rogers. 

“She’s more than that.” 

She was. She was so much more. Captain Rogers just didn’t know it yet. 

_ You mean a lot to me.  _

“She’s the Cavalry,” Maria said finally. 

_ A lot.  _

“Don’t call her that,” Phil and Natasha said in unison. 

_ And for the record, experience doesn’t make it any easier to cross someone off.  _

Steve frowned, but it was clear the conversation was over. 

_ You better than anyone know how badly this can end.  _

\---

“Hill said that there was a problem with one of the planes,” May said to the nearest agent on deck. She had bright blue eyes, the kind that still had hope in them. The kind you didn’t see on the senior agents. 

The agent nodded. “If you’ll follow me.” As they walked, as Melinda knew it would, the quiet remarks turned to conversation, which turned to - as it always had, and always would - Bahrain. “So you’re Melinda May? The Cavalry?” 

“Don’t ever call me that,” Melinda told her. 

She put up her hands in a calming gesture. “Hero of Bahrain. They talk about you at the Academy. Nobody can get the story straight, it seems.” 

When Melinda didn’t reply, she continued. 

“My year at the Academy, the older kids told us that you nearly died.” 

_ She’s dead. Snap out of it!  _

“But the next year, they said you were fearless. You were shot in the leg but it didn’t matter to you. It was like you couldn’t feel the pain.” 

_ I like the pain.  _

“And the next year, they said you felt all the pain, but that you were so determined that you pushed through it. I can’t imagine what that was like.” 

_ You killed mother. And now there’s so much pain.  _

“The year after that was our year. I don’t know who came up with our version of the story, but I do remember the freshmen’s faces when we told them.”

_ I like all their pain.  _

“I kept wondering if you were scared.” 

_ I’m scared.  _

“Or maybe they were scared of you.” 

_ I want to leave.  _

“I would have been. I bet it was badass.” 

_ Please take my hand.  _

_ “ _ I mean, you rescued all of those people!” 

_ No. Not them. Let them go!  _

“It’s the same with that every year, actually. They keep upping the number of people to make it more impressive - or they leave it the same, but they’re assassins, they’re mercenaries, they’re rogue military, they’re armoured to the teeth… seriously, the things they tell you… I can’t believe half of them.” 

_ We can fix you. We can help. Just - don’t.  _

She smiled. “Did you have any help? Anyone give you a hand with it? At the Academy, they told us that you did it all by yourself.” 

_ Take my hand. Give me your pain.  _

“What was it like?” 

_ I need a new mother. I can take your pain… _

“I hope I can be a hero like you one day.” 

_ Stop. Don’t - just - put your hand down, and stop.  _

“I guess the story’s pretty different from the ones they tell at the Academy, huh?” 

_ The cool, slick metal against her hand. The weight of the bullet - there was only one bullet left. The trigger... triggers didn’t have quite the amount of weight they did now way back when. They were so much easier to pull. _

“Agent May? Are you all right?” 

_ Everything’s gonna be all right.  _

_ The Cavalry went in after all.  _

_ Let the girl go, Melinda.  _

_ Let the girl go.  _

\--- 

“Agent Coulson?” asked a young agent, walking up to him. She looked terrified. 

“Yes?” 

“I was with Agent May and…” she trailed off. 

“And?” Natasha prompted from behind her. The agent started in fright. 

“Romanoff, if you’d let me handle this,” Phil said. Natasha nodded and walked a few paces away to wait by the door, but Phil could tell she was still listening. 

“She kind of freaked out.”    
  
“Why?” Phil demanded quietly.    
  
“I-I don’t know!” 

“Thank you for telling me,” Phil sighed, and with that, the agent scurried away.    
  
“I knew this was a bad idea,” Maria hissed from behind him. 

“She needs this.” 

“She needs to not have a panic attack. Four years and she’s still getting over it. I don’t know what the hell happened in there, but - ” 

“I do,” Phil replied fiercely. “And it wasn’t her fault.” 

“You sure she thinks that?” Natasha asked, somehow at his side again. 

“Are you two seriously ganging up on me over this?” 

“We just want what’s best for her,” Maria replied. 

“So do I.” 

_ You can’t undo what’s been done.  _

“Maybe you should let May decide what’s best for May,” Natasha suggested softly. “I know she’s your best friend - ” 

_ That will be with you, forever.  _

“She’s my partner - ” Phil began. 

_ But trying to hold on to this life, clinging to the person you thought you could be, that’s hell.  _

Both of them flashed him an unimpressed look. Phil sighed.

_ And you’re dragging her down with you.  _

“I know she’s your best friend,” Nat continued. “But sometimes we don’t know what’s best for the people we love. We just want them back.” 

_ You have to let go before my people come and make you do it.  _

“Your point?” 

_ If you care about her, and I know you do, let her go.  _

“Our point is that you should go talk to her. Make sure she’s okay. She’s probably not. If she wants to stay, if she wants to keep going, then that’s her choice. And Nat and I will respect that. We may not like it, but we won’t make her go back. But if she wants to leave, then you need to let her go, Phil,” Maria said. “You need to let her go, or we’ll make you let her go.” 

_ Let the girl go, Melinda.  _

_ Let the girl go.  _

\---

Melinda heard Phil crawling through the vents on the aircraft before she saw him. 

“How did you know I was here?” she managed to get out, even though her chest felt constricted, like she was being squeezed by a snake and she couldn’t breathe. 

“I know you,” Phil replied, sitting next to her. “You and Barton. When you’re upset, you head for high ground. Since we’re the highest up, I figured this is where you’d be. Somewhere most people couldn’t find you.” 

He wasn’t wrong. 

“Why are you here?” she rasped, and he must have heard the panic in her voice, because he took her hand and started absentmindedly tracing circles over the back of it. 

“I know… I know you’re not as okay as you want everyone to think,” he said. “Do you remember when we first met at the Academy?” When she didn’t say anything - when she couldn’t say anything - he continued. “It was April Fool’s Day, and you pranked nearly everyone in the school  _ and  _ the teachers. Whipped cream in the face, Oreo filling replaced with toothpaste, toilets and urinals Saran-wrapped, flour in hair dryers, cars filled with balloons, offices filled with paper shreds and wrapped like presents, all of the clocks changed, sugar water in the pipelines so when we showered off…” Phil shook his head. “It was chaos.”    
  


Melinda nodded. 

“I remember the only person who wasn’t pranked was you. Wasn’t it Victoria Hand who outed you during lunch?” 

_ And don’t call me Vic, it’s condescending.  _

“You stood up on a table and bowed. Everyone was speechless. Here’s this tiny little Asian girl, that everyone knows as Lian May's daughter who can kick ass in training, and she just pranked the entire SHIELD Academy.” 

_ I followed you.  _

“And you clapped,” Melinda whispered. 

_ Don’t give me hope. I don’t want hope.  _

Phil nodded. “And I clapped. Then everyone else started clapping. Your name was legend for years.”

_ You were too nerdy for me back then.  _

“It still is. Just not for the same reasons anymore.” 

_ Yeah, you did a lot of bad things. All you can do now is balance the scales, do some good.  _

Melinda leaned into his side, her legs crossed, his hand still holding hers. 

_ I swore an oath.  _

“If you want to go, I understand,” he said simply. 

_ We all did.  _

Melinda shook her head, her heartbeat lowering. “I’ll stay to the end.” 

_ To serve when everything else fails.  _

“Okay,” he said. 

_ To be humanity’s last line of defense.  _

“Okay,” she said. 

_ To be the shield.  _

\---

Melinda May was no fool. 

Loki was their priority. Not Barton, as much as she cared for him. Not the blown turbine that would sink them if they didn’t fix it - though she figured Stark and Rogers, as different as they were, could figure out how to work together for a damn minute to avoid imminent death. Not the Hulk, who rampaged below decks with Natasha the only one available to stop him. Melinda knew that the team that Fury - that Phil, really - had assembled was more than capable to handle this. She knew her agents were, and they didn’t even have superpowers. 

It was Loki they didn’t know. Loki they weren’t focused on. 

Which was why she was running. 

She made it to the containment area and found Thor trapped inside of Loki’s - Banner’s - prison, with Loki at the controls. There was one other person there, likely the person who let Loki out. 

Sending him to the ground was easy enough. 

“Move away from the controls,” she growled, 

Thor and his brother stared at her. Maybe they wondered how dangerous she was. They had just seen her quite effortlessly defeat a fellow agent. A good agent. Loki didn’t know who she was, and Thor only knew her as a friend of Phil and Natasha’s. A friend with a checkered past. 

“You’re not like the others,” Loki told her. 

“No,” she said. “I’m not.” 

“Then why are you here? Wouldn’t it be easier to run? To hide amongst your pathetic people?” Loki asked. “Wouldn’t it be easier to go back to wherever you were hiding before? Wouldn’t it be easier to go back to your sorrows and self-pity like the rest of you mortals?” 

Melinda steps closer. “I don’t make the easy choices.” 

“Perhaps.” 

She whirled around, sensing the veiled threat, but she wasn’t fast enough. 

Thor shouted in fury. 

Melinda couldn’t breathe. 

The Loki in front of her was an illusion. He melted away to reveal a second Loki behind her, his breath cool against her neck. 

He ripped his spear out of her chest and it was like every knife wound she’d ever had combined. She slid to the ground. 

He walked, slowly, to where he stood before.

His hand hovered above the big red button. 

He pressed the button and his brother fell from the sky. The first of many, Melinda was sure. 

“You’ll lose,” Melinda breathed. 

He stopped in his tracks. 

“Will I?” 

“You always do.” 

“Your heroes are scattered. Your floating fortress falls from the sky. Where is my disadvantage?” he spread his arms in a grand gesture of the helicarrier around them. 

“You won’t do what’s necessary,” Melinda replied. “I know because I’ve done it. You won’t sacrifice the one thing you have to.” 

_ SHIELD is about sacrifice. Not for you or for me, for the greater good.  _   
  


“And what’s that?” Loki asked. 

_ May used to be different.  _

“Your life.”

_ She was always quiet.  _

“You’re the one who lays dying.” 

_ She was just… she was warm.  _

“Yes,” Melinda agreed. “Necessary. You’ve just made the Avengers a team.” 

_ Fearless in a different way.  _

She couldn’t say anything more. 

_ Getting in trouble...  _

She wouldn’t. 

_...pulling pranks... _

“I bid you farewell,” Loki said, his sarcasm evident, but Melinda didn’t mind. She doubted Phil would get here fast enough to say it himself. It should at least come from someone, and if not her enemy, who else? 

_ … thought rules were meant to be broken.  _

\---

“Fury,” Melinda said quietly. He hurried over to her and knelt by her side. 

_ Did you really think I was gonna leave your defenseless ass behind?  _

“Stay awake, May,” Fury commanded. “Eyes on me.” He knew what she meant to Coulson, what she meant to Barton - who would never forgive himself for this - and to Romanoff and to Hill. He knew that they’d be broken over her death. 

_ You can’t walk, May.  _

He knew that Phil would be torn apart by her death. 

_ But I can still fly.  _

She smiled sadly. “I don’t think so.” 

_ I did it for you, to protect you.  _

“You still have time, Agent May.” 

_ Who I waste my time on is for me to decide.  _

“No,” she replied. “I don’t. But it’s okay. At least I did some good.” 

_ I’ve thought about my death enough times.  _

“You did good,” Fury said. 

_ The different ways that I could go.  _

“Phil,” she whispered. 

_ I know what you’re doing.  _

Phil, the only one clapping for her in a sea of shocked faces, the only one there for her when everyone else was too stunned by what she’d accomplished in the first place.

_ Trying to distance yourself from everyone so they don’t drown in your wake.  _

Phil, who told her the words she needed to hear when she needed to hear them the most. 

_ I invented that move. It doesn’t work, for one simple reason: Phil Coulson.  _

Phil, by her side, forever and always. 

_ He found me in that cubicle and dragged me out.  _

Phil, her best friend. 

_ He didn’t give up on me.  _

Phil, more than that, at least to her. 

_ And he won’t give up on you.  _

Phil. 

_ We’re special. We never have to say goodbye.  _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and you're welcome to scream at me in the comments below. Thanks to aosficnet2, as usual, for hosting the event, and to Sanctuaria, for beta-ing this mess under time pressure :)


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